A failure to communicate.

It’s inevitable. When you’re moving from one place to the next, whether it be from school to job, or from one job to the next (or to no job), people will promise to ‘keep in touch’. In the past, I always agreed with a whole lot of hesitation. It doesn’t matter who–it could be a new friend from college or university, or a manager who could be a good reference, I promise to keep in touch knowing I probably won’t.

This past week it seems I’ve been reaching out to almost everybody. Old friends from school, past workplaces, even interviewers I really got along with. But it seems I haven’t gotten any responses. I realized I had the wrong number for one friend I meant to keep in touch with, but what about everybody else? It makes me wonder: Am I having a ‘failure to communicate’? When we say we’re going to keep in touch with someone, does that promise have an expiration date? After a couple weeks/months/years, does your promise to ‘keep in touch’ no longer apply?

As someone who has struggled with depression for years, I knew myself enough to know that I would never keep in touch no matter how many times I said it. It was the nature of the beast. Most of the time I didn’t want to talk to anyone, so why would I keep in touch? Of course I’ve never been honest about it. After hearing ‘keep in touch’, no one responds: “I would, but I’m depressed and I don’t have the energy for that.” I worry: Now that I’ve realized I do want to keep in touch, have my promises gone bad? Maybe it would be better to be honest and say “I suffer from depression sometimes and I go in to hiding, so I probably won’t keep in touch, but I’ll call you when I feel better!”

Re-Hustle

So it’s officially 18 days until The Day but I’m not really worried — I want to get it over with. I’ve become ‘angry’ at the competition, if that makes any sense. I resent it for disrupting my life, costing me money, causing added stress I don’t need, etc. Last week I didn’t work out at all and I think I used these feelings as an excuse not to go to the gym (oh yeah, and I was dead tired).

So today I got back in the gym to work my abs and legs… and they’re still burning. A little extra punishment for staying away so long I guess.

Then I got an email from the founder and president of Fitness Star saying that STUDIO-H has offered to do hair and make-up for free for all the competitors! I signed up to take the offer, so I’ve got a little more motivation.

I still have lingering worries about how everything is going to work out, but this past Thursday I got the chance to browse the latest issue of Oprah magazine while getting my hair done. After reading Martha Beck’s article on ‘Just-in-Case’ vs. ‘Just-in-time’ thinking got me thinking I really can relax… I just have to remember that first.

Egg Whites. 7 Days a Week.

I’m tired of eating egg whites every day, so I found some ways to get creative with them while sticking to my meal plan; egg white pancakes. Muscle and Fitness magazine has a recipe for egg white pancakes online that looks pretty good… I just don’t care for the sweetener or splenda.

So last week, I worked out for 6 days for the first time in my life… I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea. Previously I did 4-5 days per week and I looked forward to have two or three days a week off. It also gave me a couple extra days so that if I missed one day, I could always make it up later on in the week.

Now it feels like I’m going to the gym seven days a week instead of six. If I miss one day, that was my day off and I have to be sweating it out (sorry for the detail, I didn’t want to say ‘going to the gym’ one more time) every day for the rest of the week and then most of the next week too.

Then again, change is good. And the more I do it (go to the gym six days a week), the easier it will get eventually. And not to mention I will see results even faster. So the moral of the story is to stop bitching. If you don’t like something (egg whites), change it. And just because something seems difficult (working out six days a week) doesn’t mean it can’t/shouldn’t be done–do it anyway.

stop lying to yourself.

Found this website (www.bunklers.com) off bodybuilding.com… it’s the truth!

Woman Up.

For being someone who is ‘into fitness’, I realize I haven’t posted anything on this blog about working out, nutrition, losing weight, etc.

It is completely my fault, but then again, I didn’t start this blog thinking I would write about anything but PR/communications.

To give you some perspective, some years ago I was ‘pleasantly plump’ at 5′8 and about 200 pounds. I distinctly remember looking down at my stomach one day while I was sitting in bed and thinking ‘oh hell no.’ I started going to the gym and changing my eating habits, I lost 50+ pounds and (forgive the cliche) never looked back.

That was about five years ago. Now after yo-yo-ing between gaining and losing five, ten, even 20 pounds, I decided this year I would woman up and take my fitness to another level by getting ready to compete as a fitness model.

Losing weight was a battle on its own. But to really tone the way I want to, it’s like starting all over again. I got a meal plan from a fitness trainer, and this is like nothing I’ve ever done before. Basically I eat a lot of chicken and egg whites, and there is NO BREAD in my diet whatsoever. THAT I thought I could never do.

But after one week of following the diet (with the exception of having coffee, something I keep as my little indulgence everyday), and the workout routine I’ve been doing for almost a year now, I was able to see some definition in my stomach, and my weight went down to about 2 pounds (from 149 to 147 approx.)

So on one hand, I’m really excited about the results I could get. Just thinking about where I could get in two, three, or six weeks is motivation enough for me in the gym.

On the other hand, doing that for six weeks assumes nothing happens to mess with my diet or workout schedule. And interruptions have been unpredictable for the last couple of months.

For the first couple weeks of September, I was doing everything fine. Then a chest cold hit me and I was out. I tried to tough it out and workout for the first day despite feeling not so good. I couldn’t push as much weight as I wanted to, and I stopped my cardio short, but I still got in to the gym and that was good. But the next day I felt even worse and didn’t go to the gym.

It’s been about four days since I’ve been to the gym, and although I feel a whole lot better, I also know I’m going back to starting all over again. I have some satisfaction that I know what I’m doing now, and I know that if I hold out and do what I’m supposed to week after week, I will see results.

So this weekend I’m going to get as much rest as I can so that I can fully recover. Then it’s back to the weights Monday @ 7:30am!

What are you afraid of?

So I’m on this whole ‘do-what-scares-me’ thing and I realized it is stressing me out.

I don’t want to get in to too many details, but for the last week or so I’ve been thinking about doing this one particular thing that scares the shit out of me. I’m going through all the scenarios, preparing myself for the worst, and considering alternate options… but it doesn’t do any good for my blood pressure.

But this really scares me. My chest feels like there’s a little person inside blowing a balloon way too big. This is the feeling I’m trying to convince myself is “good”, and “proves I’m alive”, but if I do much more of this, I’ll probably live a very short life.

Random P(R)ost

The more I research PR and communications, the more excited I get about doing PR as a career. I kind of feel silly for it because part of me thinks if I was really meant to work in PR, I would know it already… but then I think: how could I have possibly known I was meant to work in PR?

In a couple hours I’m going to Scarborough for a photo shoot and interview for an article I’m writing on Jenny and Diane Paty, sisters who are also band leaders at Caribana (carnival in Toronto). But right now I’m finding myself reading as much about what PR is as possible. Luckily, so much information is available on the internet. Nearly all my questions about the program I’ve applied to (find out in a week!) and working in PR have been answered by more visits to Centennial’s blogs. On the program blog, there are articles just on what the grads are doing–all of it is very exciting and makes me giddy about the opportunities and possibilities.

But I can’t ignore this anxious, excited feeling I have writing the Caribana story for Sway magazine. I feel scared because I worry about the whole thing falling apart (I’m writing two stories) and then I would have let a lot of people down. I also worry about damaging whatever little reputation I have. From what I’ve read about public relations and communications, the whole job is about ‘being responsible’; writing press releases, organizing events, creating communications plans (don’t really know what that means), all of it amounts to huge responsibility, and, I worry, huge chances for failure. It’s the total opposite of an environment like a call centre where a team of people are responsible for reaching certain goals.

So it’s all scary. And I’m tempted to just run away–leave everything behind and go hide in a call centre where if I make a mistake, the ‘team’ can cover it up. But I will not. I’m working on changing my mind in to going towards what scares me rather than running away from it. If you hide from what scares you, you’ll always be running scared. On the other hand if you go for what scares you, you grow as a person. I’d rather run on a treadmill then run away from what I really want because I’m scared… So for me it’s all about very deep breaths and going for what keeps me up at night.

Maybe cutting back on the caffeine would help?

Seeing Things

Random thought… today my Starbucks cup said:
“Failure’s hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you’re successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever.” Interesting. I always thought success only comes to people who are doing the right thing. But then I look at the job I have now and understand my Starbucks warning. I’ve been successful in customer service, and I feel like I’m trapped.

So a lot of things have been happening since I last wrote. Going to the testing session was a test of my patience. The first streetcar I got on was out of service. The driver told me to get on another streetcar which, apparently, wasn’t going to go where I needed it to, so I had to get on a third streetcar. By this time, I was upset because I had an idea that I might be late for the 2:30 testing appointment. While walking up the street, a bar sign that said ‘Everything’s going to be alright’ caught my attention while I was busy working myself up in to a huff. I ignored it, thinking the sign wasn’t for me because that would just be too corny.

I got to the appointment 45 minutes late. I imagined being turned away by a secretary, and him or her telling me with a condescending tone that I would have to reschedule for the next two weeks because I was too late. I got so worked up two tears streamed down my face on the bus. But when I got to the appointment, I met Gary Schlee who surprised me by saying he had read my blog! It turns out that the actual testing hadn’t started when I got there, so once again, there was nothing to worry about. York even came through for me and sent my transcript to Centennial in three days (as opposed to the five to fifteen they warned me about). I hate to say it, but everything did work out…

On Monday I went back to York to finish up some last minute things and I met up with the associate editor of Sway magazine and Canadian Immigrant. She told me about a story idea for Sway that I could do and I snatched it up like the last bag of brown rice at No Frills. This is my first chance to get paid for writing–I can now officially say I’m a “freelance writer”. Goosebumps. So needless to say, I’ve been a bit busy. I haven’t had a chance to do grocery shopping or any of that other important stuff. Nevertheless, things, in fact, are alright. I’m trying really hard to stay away from any Ace is Base references about seeing signs and having my eyes opened.

I’m getting closer?

I always worry excessively.

I’ve paid York the $165.02 I owe them for tuition. Today I called their “student services” department and spoke to a representative who tried to rush me off the phone. She told me as soon as York gets their payment, they can send my transcript over to Centennial. I even called the library at York to see if the $55 I owe them is causing me a problem. Luckily it is not, so I didn’t have to worry so much.

I have an admission session on Wednesday at Centennial and I figure by that time, the college should also have my transcript. I don’t see why they wouldn’t… unless I do something silly.

I contacted Gary Schlee, the current (soon-to-be past) Program Coordinator, who told me the sessions are usually held every other Wednesday. That made me wonder: if they had a session a week before last week Wednesday, they could have filled up the seats in the program by the time my session comes around. I want to know details: how many seats are left? How many people have applied? etc. But then I realize that all this worrying is useless.

Then I worry about the testing session: what if I don’t have an ‘aptitude for writing’ (one of the requirements for the program), and I’ve been fooling myself for 20 years? I worry about ‘brushing up’ on my writing skills (thank you, wordpress), if I have the right writing samples, who else (if anyone) is going to be in the session with me, will the faculty stop looking at applications once seats are filled or will they be picking the ‘best’ candidates?

After so much worry, the question is no longer whether or not it is useless to worry–it becomes one of faith. I’m not talking about religious faith (although you could make the argument that I am), I’m just talking about faith in trusting yourself to deal with what happens or doesn’t happen. There’s a kind of emotional release (insert whatever analogy you will here) when you decide to ‘let it go’ after you’ve had a build-up of worry. Sometimes I kind of enjoy worrying until I can’t anymore and just forgetting about all of it. I wonder if that’s crazy.