I always worry excessively.

I’ve paid York the $165.02 I owe them for tuition. Today I called their “student services” department and spoke to a representative who tried to rush me off the phone. She told me as soon as York gets their payment, they can send my transcript over to Centennial. I even called the library at York to see if the $55 I owe them is causing me a problem. Luckily it is not, so I didn’t have to worry so much.

I have an admission session on Wednesday at Centennial and I figure by that time, the college should also have my transcript. I don’t see why they wouldn’t… unless I do something silly.

I contacted Gary Schlee, the current (soon-to-be past) Program Coordinator, who told me the sessions are usually held every other Wednesday. That made me wonder: if they had a session a week before last week Wednesday, they could have filled up the seats in the program by the time my session comes around. I want to know details: how many seats are left? How many people have applied? etc. But then I realize that all this worrying is useless.

Then I worry about the testing session: what if I don’t have an ‘aptitude for writing’ (one of the requirements for the program), and I’ve been fooling myself for 20 years? I worry about ‘brushing up’ on my writing skills (thank you, wordpress), if I have the right writing samples, who else (if anyone) is going to be in the session with me, will the faculty stop looking at applications once seats are filled or will they be picking the ‘best’ candidates?

After so much worry, the question is no longer whether or not it is useless to worry–it becomes one of faith. I’m not talking about religious faith (although you could make the argument that I am), I’m just talking about faith in trusting yourself to deal with what happens or doesn’t happen. There’s a kind of emotional release (insert whatever analogy you will here) when you decide to ‘let it go’ after you’ve had a build-up of worry. Sometimes I kind of enjoy worrying until I can’t anymore and just forgetting about all of it. I wonder if that’s crazy.